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| Porn Users Forum » Italian Friends on the Bus |
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| 02-20-14 10:48am - 3958 days | #155 | |
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RagingBuddhist (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 893 Registered: Jan 23, '07 |
^^^ That's fucked up. LOVED it! Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupidity. | |
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| 03-05-14 02:54pm - 3945 days | #156 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User  Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy" she asks anxiously. "What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... She never got your E-mail!" Cap'n.  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 03-14-14 03:29pm - 3936 days | #157 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer. Cap'n.  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 07-24-14 10:57am - 3804 days | #158 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
Two priests decided to go on a Hawaiian vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc ... The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by .They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits .. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen ... ' Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 07-25-14 05:31am - 3803 days | #159 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended  Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "So, why the long face?" | |
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| 08-07-14 10:00am - 3790 days | #160 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us? Look at me. . . I'm ME! . . . I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman replied, “Awfully sporting of your Mother, old chap!” Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 08-10-14 05:18pm - 3786 days | #161 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
A man walks into his backyard, where his wife is on her knees gardening. He says, "In the 10 years we've been married, your ass has really gotten big! I'll bet it's bigger than the grill!" His wife says nothing and just keeps doing her gardening. The man gets a tape measure and goes to the grill. Then he steps behind his wife with the tape measure, holding it around her ass. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Your ass is actually 2 inches wider than the grill!" Again, the wife offers no reaction. Later than evening, they're in bed. The husband is feeling frisky and starts putting the move on his wife. She says, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 12-31-14 05:08pm - 3643 days | #162 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A man received the following text from his neighbour. "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home – but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.†Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife. A few moments later, a second text came in, "Damn and blast all automatic spell checkers!" Sorry Bob, the second sentence should have said ‘your Wifi’."  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 01-01-15 05:37am - 3643 days | #163 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
Enjoyed it even more on the second reading. I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 02-21-15 06:50am - 3592 days | #164 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
SEX ON MARS The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a Bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..' Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 02-21-15 06:54am - 3592 days | #165 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
This one has to be seen...and heard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoM2bHfr48 Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 02-21-15 07:18am - 3592 days | #166 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Here is what happens when great minds meet. When Einstein met Chaplin he told him that what he most admired about his art is that Chaplin doesn't say and word and yet the entire world knows what he is saying. Chaplin in return said that he is in bigger awe of Einstein because the entire world admires him even though no one understands what he is saying. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 03-18-15 03:01pm - 3567 days | #167 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.' Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: Well,......I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 03-31-15 03:59pm - 3554 days | #168 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
How do you know that a porn star is assertive? She’ll take the splatter into her own hands. I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 04-03-15 06:45am - 3551 days | #169 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD . The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave." Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-03-15 06:55am - 3551 days | #170 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
I hope you try this little test and let me know what score you get. http://www.age-test.com/1nsd2j I scored 30 so technically I'm way younger inside than my actual age. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-03-15 07:09am - 3551 days | #171 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he'd made it home safely. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!' The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next movement could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest,"especially when you have two gorgeous brothers." A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-11-15 06:56am - 3543 days | #172 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
You have to watch the video until the end. I can guarantee that you will piss yourself laughing. http://safeshare.tv/w/sLtCVDmZnm Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-11-15 03:04pm - 3543 days | #173 | |
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messmer (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 2,582 Registered: Sep 12, '07 Location: Canada |
Hilarious, Pat!  | |
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| 04-11-15 04:08pm - 3543 days | #174 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
I scored 18. My face has begun breaking out unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 04-12-15 09:27am - 3542 days | #175 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
You lucky dog. I wasn't able to get a score remotely close to that. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-12-15 09:33am - 3542 days | #176 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
All I hope is that she dropped his ass that very same day because that is one serious loser. My biggest issue with the guys isn't so much that he ignored her request multiple times but that he was having a long fucking conversation on a cellphone while he was with his girlfriend. I think if I was out with someone and they took out their cellphone and called or took a long call that wasn't an emergency then I would get up and leave and never bother talking to that person ever again. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-12-15 12:31pm - 3542 days | #177 | |
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Khan (0)
Suspended  Posts: 1,737 Registered: Jan 05, '07 Location: USA |
I saw a similar clip once only at the end, the girl turned to the stranger on her other side and kissed him. Boyfriend looked on shocked. Fun clip though. Former PornUsers Senior Administrator Now at: MyPorn.com "To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences."-John Henry Patterson | |
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| 04-25-15 07:34am - 3529 days | #178 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Someone sent me this little question on moral dilemma. You are driving along in your car on a wild stormy night. you pass by a bus stop where three people waiting for the bus: 1-An old lady who looks like she is about to die. 2-An old friend who once saved your life. 3-The perfect woman (or) man you have been dreaming about. Which one would you offer a ride to knowing that you can only take one passenger? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once used as part of a job application. You can pick the old lady because she could die so you should save her first. You can pick your old friend because he once saved your life and this is the perfect way to repay him. However you may never find your perfect dream lover again. What did the person who got the job answer????? The answer is actually quite simple. He said he would have given the keys to his old friend and told him to take the old lady to the hospital and he would have waited for the bus with the woman of his dream. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-25-15 07:34am - 3529 days | #179 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Dutch Treat. https://www.youtube.com/embed/5748lK9HpOg Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-25-15 07:35am - 3529 days | #180 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Born to create drama. My favorite is number two. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fv...Zh5B4f4bigA&NR=1 Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-25-15 08:49am - 3529 days | #181 | |
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Khan (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,737 Registered: Jan 05, '07 Location: USA |
Wow, those create drama ones are cold. Former PornUsers Senior Administrator Now at: MyPorn.com "To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences."-John Henry Patterson | |
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| 04-25-15 05:50pm - 3528 days | #182 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
^The European humour is sometime like that. My theory is that having had two major wars fought in or around your Countries as well as having countless of your citizens involved in them has affected the way they look at many things. A lot of their humour is often quite dark and it's so common to see the death of major characters on established shows that I am often ambivalent about watching a new show for fear that I will get too attached to a main character who will get bumped off the next season. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 04-26-15 12:12pm - 3528 days | #183 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
Waiting for his busy doctor to come into the small examination room he was lead into by an assistant ... who would then get some advanced info from the patient to pass onto the doctor in order to facilitate his patient's needs. The patient's need in this case was his inability to have a bowel movement .... long overdue, the constipated man laid down on the examination table, groaning with obvious discomfort and signaling a harried response to the assistant to either she or the doctor break away and administer an enema. Excusing herself to immediately pass this on to the doctor, who was with another patient, the assistant was given instructions by the doctor to first clear all necessary protocol before doing what's next for the grumbling man .... who, upon the assistant's return to the patient's room kept pointing his finger at his rear and said to do something. "Sir, began the assistant, 'unfortunately your insurance won't cover doing enemas. "What the hell can you do then ", roared the angry patient as he rose up from the table. "Well sir, responded the assistant ...... " can't do the enema, SO WHAT'YA SAY INSTEAD, I JUST SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!" | |
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| 04-28-15 11:36am - 3526 days | #184 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total grade. You then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is worth the second 50% of the grade." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe while the engine was running, which I've never before seen done. unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 06-06-15 07:03am - 3487 days | #185 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks their Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, “Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the Camel.†The Captain says, “I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.†About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?†“No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.............. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 11-18-15 07:31am - 3322 days | #186 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Mary to Jill: ‘My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once. Jill: ‘Most men do. What did you tell him?’ Mary: ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?â€â€™ | |
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| 12-21-15 08:33am - 3289 days | #187 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.' She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?' 'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.' | |
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| 12-29-15 07:54am - 3281 days | #188 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
A funny list sketch about a waiting room. Make sure the sound is on of you will never get the gags. https://www.youtube.com/embed/nBoW1xfHm0Y Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 01-24-16 08:07am - 3255 days | #190 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
The Story of Adam's & Eve's Pets...... Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the Garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.' And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve along with Dog. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased.. And Dog was happy. And the Cat . . . didn't give a shit one way or the other Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 01-24-16 08:22am - 3255 days | #191 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Old Guys Golfing > A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. > His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. > "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" > The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts." > The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" > "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt." Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 01-24-16 04:03pm - 3255 days | #192 | |
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Toadsith (0)
Active User  Posts: 936 Registered: Dec 07, '07 Location: USA |
Excellent! I'd not run across that one before! "I'm not a number, I'm a free man!" Second Grand Order Poobah in the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo | |
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| 01-29-16 01:21pm - 3250 days | #193 | |
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jenny babe (0)
Suspended  Posts: 11 Registered: Jan 13, '16 Location: Middle Earth, Earth |
Lol, I enjoy reading your joke and interested in some more jokes from you. Anyhow, just wonder how sad to be that lady down there that she is so dirty minded that even the spellings she cared about!!! If it's a real story, better she study bi-lingual...lololol "When I'm gone, just look up the sky love's and remember me, when you see a rainbow cross over the river flow." | |
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| 01-29-16 01:25pm - 3250 days | #194 | |
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jenny babe (0)
Suspended Posts: 11 Registered: Jan 13, '16 Location: Middle Earth, Earth |
HOW SAD,,,LOL...  "When I'm gone, just look up the sky love's and remember me, when you see a rainbow cross over the river flow." | |
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| 02-11-16 11:55am - 3237 days | #195 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
Amish pornography http://www.worldwideinterweb.com/images/...20demotivational.png unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. Edited on Feb 20, 2016, 11:11am | |
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| 02-14-16 08:44am - 3234 days | #196 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Definition of "OLD" #1 I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?" And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"! #2 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied: "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?" #3 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." #4 I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. #5 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. #6 An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week" #7 My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. #8 Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. #9 It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. #10 These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' #11 THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 02-20-16 11:15am - 3228 days | #197 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
Pat. those were great ! I've given them their own folder. It's sad what I now find funny unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 05-22-16 02:45am - 3136 days | #198 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: A $100 bill. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. | |
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| 08-19-16 03:06pm - 3047 days | #199 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Dumb blonde joke: A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. The man asks, "Where's the burger?" The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies. The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order." | |
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| 08-19-16 03:36pm - 3047 days | #200 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
This Farm Boy Goes Into a Whorehouse... A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive. After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window. The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git." | |
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| 08-20-16 12:53pm - 3046 days | #201 | |
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merc77 (0)
Disabled User Posts: 291 Registered: Apr 17, '16 |
From the late, great Buddy Hackett: A man walked into the diner with his two young sons and was greeted by a pretty waitress. She looked at the one young boy and asked him what he wanted. "I'll have a goddamn hamburger." The father then beat the boy with his belt soundly. The waitress then turned to the other little boy and asked what he wanted. "You bet your sweet ass it won't be a goddamn hamburger." "Dogs think people are Gods. Cats don't as they know better." - Kedi (2016) Dogs have masters; Cats have staff. | |
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| 09-19-16 02:27pm - 3016 days | #202 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits. I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 09-19-16 02:30pm - 3016 days | #203 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
I'm still laughing!! I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 09-24-16 11:45pm - 3010 days | #204 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Q: Why don't women blink during sex? A: There isn't enough time. | |
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| 09-25-16 08:55am - 3010 days | #205 | |
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merc77 (0)
Disabled User Posts: 291 Registered: Apr 17, '16 |
It's been a while but I think it goes something like this: The father decided it was time to teach his young son about the facts of life. He took the boy into the bathroom and pulled down his pants. "Son, this is a penis. It is used for sex." The little boy nodded and went off to play with his friends. The next day the little boy met a little girl and they began to talk about the birds and the bees. The little boy then pulled down his pants and showed the girl his penis. "This is a penis. And if it was just two inches smaller it would be like my father's." "Dogs think people are Gods. Cats don't as they know better." - Kedi (2016) Dogs have masters; Cats have staff. | |
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