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| 05-13-10 09:17pm - 5298 days | Original Post - #1 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Jokes One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!" | |
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| 12-03-11 06:40pm - 4729 days | #2 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard." Since 2007 | |
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| 12-03-11 06:42pm - 4729 days | #3 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. Since 2007 | |
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| 12-03-11 06:43pm - 4729 days | #4 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" Since 2007 | |
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| 12-03-11 06:53pm - 4729 days | #5 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!" Since 2007 | |
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| 12-03-11 06:57pm - 4729 days | #6 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
A man is standing in line at the movies and the line isn't moving so to pass the time he starts to massage the shoulder of the guy in front of him. The guy turns around and aks the man what he thinks he's doing. The man replies: Well I'm a massage therapist and when i get some free time then I like to practice my trade. The guy replis: Well I'm a lawyer. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 12-03-11 07:03pm - 4729 days | #7 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
A man walks into a bar and goes to the counter to order a drink. As he's sipping his drink. He looks in the corner and sees a tiny man playing the piano. He asks the bartender where he got the tiny piano player and the bartender tells him that he has this genie in a lamp in the back room of the bar. The bartender tells the guy to go out back and get a wish granted. Man runs to the back room and starts to rub the lamp. The genie appears and tells the man that he will grant him one wish. The man says I want a million bucks. Poof a million ducks appear in thr room. The guy runs back to the bar and tells the bartender that his genie is deaf. the bartender replies. And you think I asked for a 12" pianist? Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 12-04-11 03:45am - 4729 days | #8 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User  Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
I like the one about the deaf genie!  Cap'n.  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 12-07-11 03:42pm - 4726 days | #9 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended  Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
I'm glad to see we're finally takin' a detour from the numerous jokes posted with "Italian on the bus." We need a new avenue for jokes and this one's welcome. the latter needs to mercifully retire.  And that's no joke! | |
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| 12-07-11 04:21pm - 4726 days | #10 | |
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messmer (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 2,582 Registered: Sep 12, '07 Location: Canada |
Being a very forgetful person I know not a single joke I could tell here but I sure enjoy the ones being posted. Thanks all!  | |
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| 12-07-11 06:33pm - 4725 days | #11 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Superman was patrolling the skies and while flying over a small island in the Pacific Ocean. He noticed a naked Wonder Woman spread eagled on the beahc with his Super Vision. Now the sight of that beautiful naked body got his juices flowing and he thought to himself that a little quicky would be really great but since he's Superman then he can't be seen doing that kind of stuff. Well no problem. He's Superman. He'll just use his Super Speed. He starts to fly downward faster, and faster and then he reaches his target and it's the old in and out at super speed and then he's back in the sky doing his patrol. A couple of minutes go by and Wonder Woman opens her eyes and whispers. What was that? The Invible Man says: I don't know but my ass is killing me. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 12-07-11 06:45pm - 4725 days | #12 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
Simple remedy for that, mess. You write them down. I keep a note pad handy for good jokes, or any other event I don't want to forget..... an' I will forget! Here's one I picked up recently: Hey Bud? I can get you a girl for just $50. Yeah? Yeah. But batteries aren't included. | |
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| 12-07-11 07:14pm - 4725 days | #13 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
Doctor lost his license for having sex with a patient. Too bad. He was the only Veterinarian in town. I have a great sex drive. I drive forty miles to get pussy. | |
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| 12-15-11 06:16am - 4718 days | #14 | |
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BadMrFrosty (0)
Active User Posts: 124 Registered: Mar 05, '10 Location: Prague (Czech Republic) |
I apologise in advance for the vulgar and crude nature of these jokes. They happen to be some of the most offensive I know so if you are of a nervous disposition or sense of humour challenged I suggest giving this post a miss. Here we go... Q. How do make a gay man fuck a woman? A. Shit in her cunt. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the worst thing about eating 12 oysters from your grandmothers pussy? A. Realizing you only put in 11 I know, I know, I am a bad bad man The problem with the world is stupidity. Not saying there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? Frank Zappa | |
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| 12-15-11 09:14am - 4718 days | #15 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
Here's one in the spirit of the stuff BadMrFrosty posted. Two gay men decide to get married, or at least play the roles. One plays the wife, who takes care of the housework; the other plays the breadwinning husband. Their first weekday morning, the wife goes to the kitchen and makes breakfast. The husband takes a shower and dresses in a business suit, then goes downstairs and eats the breakfast the wife made. Then he heads off for work. He's almost out the driveway when he realizes he'd forgotten his briefcase, which he'd left up in the bedroom, so he goes back in to retrieve it. When he enters the bedroom, he sees the wife sitting on the bed, jacking off into a condom. He asks the wife, "What the hell are you doing?" The wife answers, "I'm packing your lunch." I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 12-15-11 09:20am - 4718 days | #16 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
Why exactly? It is still serving the purpose for which it was created? I certainly don't think it merited that attack! You know, perhaps at 1,000 plus posts, I should go do something else! Cap'n.  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! Edited on Dec 15, 2011, 11:26pm | |
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| 12-16-11 05:58am - 4717 days | #17 | |
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Denner (0)
Active User  Posts: 1,217 Registered: Mar 03, '07 Location: Denmark |
Thanks all - we need some good ones/jokes for the X-mass days to spread around - though at my age I forget most... But this one I remember (maybe a classic): A guy walks into a bar. He is BIG, really big, gigantic shoulders ect. But his head is tiny, tiny - very small. The bartenders looks at him, but says nothing. The giant orders a drink, and then another - and the bartender keeps looking at him, so the giant finally says: - I know, I know. The other day I was walking along the beach and found this bottle. I took off the cork and out of the bottle came this incredible gorgeous woman, maybe the sexiest I've ever seen. - She says: Master I'll grant you one wish for setting me free.. And the giant says: Oh,oh,oh...I want to fuck you here and now. The Woman says: - No, I cannot do that... The Giant: - Then, can I just have a little head? - BING! "I don't drink anymore - I freeze it, and eat it like a popcicle" | |
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| 12-16-11 06:39am - 4717 days | #18 | |
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Denner (0)
Active User Posts: 1,217 Registered: Mar 03, '07 Location: Denmark |
Just remember another one: An old man down in Mexico has this little chicken farm, but his rooster had died. So he goes to the market, but no roosters to be found. Till he gets to a far corner of the market and find another, very old man, with a very old rooster. He's reluctant, but the other old man says: - This is a damned fine rooster, even if it's old. So our old man buys it, takes it home and place it with the hens, then goes to the house for lunch. Minutes later he hears a heavy noise from the hen house. Then he spots the rooster speeding around the hens and proudly making loud noises and stamping its feet and flapping the wings. Around the rooster 30 or more hens lay moaning with pleasure. - Damn, says the old man, that rooster's got something, after all. Then the rooster escapes, run down to a close by lake and the old man runs after it. When the old man reaches the lake, he sees the rooster behaving the same as in the chicken yard, and 40-50 ducks laying around the lake moaning with pleasure. Damn, I got to get that great rooster back, thinks the old man, but the rooster escapes again, now running into the nearby desert. The old man tracks it for days through the Mojave desert. On the third day he looks to the horizon and sees vultures in the sky, at least 40 or 50. As he's getting closer he spots his rooster, laying still in the sand. - Oh, that was just too much for him, the old man thinks, then bend over to take the corpse home. But then the rooster opens one eye and says: Hey, get lost, buddy, there's pussy in the sky....... "I don't drink anymore - I freeze it, and eat it like a popcicle" Edited on Dec 16, 2011, 06:55am | |
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| 12-16-11 06:58am - 4717 days | #19 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
That joke sure gets around. My father told me that one something like 20 years ago. I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 12-16-11 07:05am - 4717 days | #20 | |
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Denner (0)
Active User Posts: 1,217 Registered: Mar 03, '07 Location: Denmark |
Then it IS a classic.....still I think it's great...but difficult to do in a danish bar with some people not that much into the English language, if so: you loose the point, entirely.  "I don't drink anymore - I freeze it, and eat it like a popcicle" | |
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| 12-16-11 03:46pm - 4717 days | #21 | |
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Wittyguy (0)
Active User  Posts: 1,138 Registered: Feb 04, '08 Location: Left Coast, USA |
Not a joke but I found this today: another hilarious example of unnecessary censorship that will make you rethink your favorite childhood nursery rhymes. | |
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| 12-16-11 04:46pm - 4717 days | #22 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
One winter morning John and his wife were listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. John’s wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.." John’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power goes out. John’s wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, John says, "Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?" Since 2007 | |
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| 12-16-11 04:52pm - 4717 days | #23 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Oldy but goody A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '" Since 2007 | |
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| 12-17-11 09:46pm - 4715 days | #24 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
You are right on all counts, Capn. Thanks for your sage input. In retrospect, it does seem clear that I stepped over the line. However, I'd prefer to blame it on the age factor -- as it seemingly continues it's mission to pepper me with more and more momentary lapse of judgements. My weak but only justification here could be a personal feelings of going to something fresh rather than continuing to pile on to an already super-successfully proven thread. My remark was, agreeabley, unfair; But I do think the term "attack" is a tad harsh discribing it. | |
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| 12-18-11 02:58am - 4715 days | #25 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
In other fora, it might have been considered trolling, but it is very unusual / unheard of for that to appear here. It caught me at the end of a very frustrating day, so perhaps I was a little tetchy!  Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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