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| 10-08-11 05:55am - 4824 days | #51 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
An engaged couple are traveling by car to a relative's home during the holidays. It's a long trip, so they have to stop and rest at a hotel. To save money, they rent a single room. Once they've settled in, they get cozy, but they've vowed to wait until their wedding night to have sex. However, the man is aroused and tells his bride-to-be that giving him a blow job isn't the same thing at all. After some persuading on his part, she agrees, but asks if he will still respect her after they've finished. He assures her that of course he will. And she gives him the blow job. Several minutes after they've finished that, the phone rings. The man answers. Then he hands it to his beloved. He says, "It's for you .... cocksucker." I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 10-08-11 09:59am - 4824 days | #52 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Great punch line. Lol. | |
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| 10-13-11 09:34am - 4819 days | #53 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User  Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA. The husband picks up a case of Tennants extra strength lager and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price!' Shortly afterwards there was an announcement over the PA system: ' Staff Announcement Clean-up on aisle 25, we have a man down.' He never knew what hit him!!! Cap'n.  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-23-11 12:40am - 4809 days | #54 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
PETA has announced the formation of a website that features the juxtaposition of images of naked women with images of suffering animals. Finally !!!!!!!!! Pirated from SNL unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 10-23-11 02:41pm - 4809 days | #55 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended  Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
From his hospital bed a man was telling a friend how he got there. "I was making love when suddenly an overhead chandelier fell on the small of my back. "Awful, said the friend, seems you were at the wrong place at the wrong time." 'You bet, said the patient, had it occurred ten minutes earlier it would'a fallen on my head.' Husband comes home unexpectedly and sees evidence that his wife was entertaining another man. "Where is he, yelled the husband?' Getting no answer, he rushes to an open window... and two floors below he sees a man seemingly exiting the building and adjusting his tie. In a fit of rage, the husband picks up the refrigerator and hurls it out the window onto the man below, crushing him. Later..... questioned by StPeter as to why and how this man died, he answered he was simply walking along the sidewalk when suddenly I'm crushed by a heavy falling object. StPeter asks the next man with him the same question: "Well, you see, I was crouched tightly in this refrigerator and ......" | |
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| 10-23-11 03:23pm - 4809 days | #56 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts. Since 2007 | |
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| 10-23-11 03:25pm - 4809 days | #57 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire." Since 2007 | |
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| 10-23-11 03:27pm - 4809 days | #58 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." Since 2007 | |
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| 10-25-11 02:19am - 4807 days | #59 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
Two Ladies were sitting on the stoop in the Bronx and one spots her husband walking down the street carrying a bouquet of flowers. “Oh No” she says, “ Looks like I’ll have to spread my legs tonight.” Puzzled, her friend says “ Don’t you have a vase?” unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 11-16-11 11:19am - 4785 days | #60 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....  she's 21 and her name's Lucy  Cap'n.  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 11-16-11 12:17pm - 4785 days | #61 | |
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Ed2009 (0)
Suspended Webmaster  Posts: 509 Registered: Sep 12, '09 Location: Wales, UK |
Please keep this thread going everyone - It's cheered me up a few times over the past few days. Webmaster of StripGameCentral and A Measure of Curiosity. | |
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| 11-16-11 12:30pm - 4785 days | #62 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
LOL funny Since 2007 | |
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| 11-16-11 12:40pm - 4785 days | #63 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Pick up lines that failed to get Cybertoad laid. Do you come here often? Because I'm about to come here right now. If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head? Hi, I'm a birdwatcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed thrasher, Do you know where i can find one? Hey, how about you sit on my face and let me eat my way to you heart? Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin. Ever stuck a hot dog in a donut? Do you want to? I want to be pooh so i can stick my nose in your honey. Can I put my magic wand in your Harry Potter. Girl, I would love to lick your belly button......from the inside! Do you give head to stangers? No. Well let me intruduce myself. Your so hot that even on a cold winter night my penis would stand for you. I'm an astronaut & my next mission is to explore uranus! Hey, I'm from the Middle East, and i have a weapon of mass destruction in my pants. Do you want to be like my speedo and hug my balls? The trojans loved helen so much they jumped into a horse, i love u so much i wanna jump into a trojan. Guy: my mom told me to never look at pretty girls because i will turn into a statue! In fact i can feel myself getting hard right now! I'm Irish, wanna taste my lucky charms? Just like a tootsie roll pop, I'd liked to find out how many licks it takes to get to your center. ( and for all you PU fans just for the holidays) If you jingle my bells I can promise you a white Christmas. Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Elvis over there? Hi, i'm peter pants-less. wanna go to never-neverland? What time do your legs open? What's a slut like you doing in a high class place like this? Hey, I've got something to show you! Stand back it takes more room! (As you reach for your zipper). And the number one thing that I said that didn't get me laid If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays? Since 2007 | |
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| 11-16-11 01:35pm - 4785 days | #64 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
I take it subtlety doesn't enter into the equation at all then? Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 11-16-11 03:30pm - 4785 days | #65 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Life's too short to be subtle! As I get older the time I get an erection until the time I forgot I had one is getting more frequent. Used to be I could get an erection watching national geographic. Now it takes watching a 12 women orgy with fuckmachines and 2 gallons of lube, using 16 vibrators while standing on there heads and giving 12 guys blow jobs while listing to Metalica. Welcome to the inside of my brain  Life's too short to be subtle what were we talking about >  Since 2007 | |
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| 11-17-11 02:18am - 4784 days | #66 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
I can dimly recall those days. When I would look through National Geographic magazines looking for females with naked breasts. But then I graduated to Playboy. And to catalogs where the models wore swimsuits. Those were the days!  | |
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| 11-17-11 03:38am - 4784 days | #67 | |
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Ed2009 (0)
Suspended Webmaster Posts: 509 Registered: Sep 12, '09 Location: Wales, UK |
I read somewhere that the world's most effective chat up line was this: Does this smell like chloroform to you? Webmaster of StripGameCentral and A Measure of Curiosity. | |
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| 11-17-11 05:33pm - 4784 days | #68 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
Well, I hate holiday advertising, and it has started, so here's a Christmas joke as antidote: A man wants to buy a special, unusual gift for his wife. He goes to a pet store and asks the owner, who shows him a bird in a cage. "His name is Chet. And he sings Christmas songs!" The owner demonstrates by igniting a lighter under Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing "Jingle Bells." Very impressed, the man buys the bird and takes it home to his wife. "Hold the lighter under his right foot. He'll sing!" And sure enough, Chet starts singing "Jingle Bells." "What about under the left foot?" the wife wonders. She tries it out. Chet switches to "White Christmas." "Wow! Hey, I wonder if he has a song for when the lighter is BETWEEN his legs." The wife gives it a try ... The bird immediately begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on a open fire ..." I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 11-17-11 05:39pm - 4784 days | #69 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Hehe ! Since 2007 | |
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| 11-17-11 08:24pm - 4783 days | #70 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
Guy approches a girl setting with her girlfriends at a night club: "Hi, I'm AL. would you care to dance?" Her answer: "Get lost, Al!" A couple of the other girls smile, which Al perceives as an invitation. "If I'd ask either of you to dance, you wouldn't tell me to get lost, would you"" asks Al. "No" answers both of the smiling girls. So Al chooses one of the two and says: "Ok, would you care to dance with me?" Her reply: "Fuck-off loser." | |
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| 11-25-11 08:34am - 4776 days | #71 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." 'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.' 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again. Since 2007 | |
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| 12-09-11 05:33am - 4762 days | #72 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 12-09-11 02:14pm - 4762 days | #73 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Good one CAP Since 2007 | |
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| 12-17-11 10:27pm - 4753 days | #74 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
Capn .... I posted on a recent thread intitled "Jokes" that it was a welcome addition because this one should retire having successfully ran it's course . Your response was rightfully defensive, and I have to say --in every sense of the word -- after reviewing how wrong-armed I was having come to such an observation, I found I couldn't agree with you more. My apologies, mate. Guess I'm jus' jealous cuz I haven't, nor do I expect to, come up with anything near as successful, myself.  | |
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| 12-18-11 03:01am - 4753 days | #75 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
To go Antipodean on you... No worries, mate! Apology accepted. Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 12-18-11 03:12am - 4753 days | #76 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ' An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, We No Longer Call It "The Cockpit" Now it's "The Box Office". Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.' Women are Angels. When someone breaks their wings, They simply continue to fly... usually on a broomstick. They are flexible like that. Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 12-18-11 09:23pm - 4752 days | #77 | |
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graymane (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,411 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
What did the bathtub say to the toliet? "I get just as much ass as you.....An' don't have to take all that shit. Masturbation..... its a touchy subject | |
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| 12-19-11 09:19am - 4752 days | #78 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?" The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". That's no better. There'll be no sex for you either, I'm afraid,Hamish. How about you, Paddy ? The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ". "Brilliant,Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry!" Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 12-22-11 03:07am - 4749 days | #79 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle... The war-weary Marine asked,'Ma'am, may I have that seat? The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant! This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place! An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you appear to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!'. Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 01-07-12 06:49am - 4733 days | #80 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
These are He said She said little jokes meant more for her than us but I still found them quite funny. He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you? He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him .. . They don't have time He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened. He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said. . . A widow. He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 01-16-12 07:35am - 4724 days | #81 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
Here are a couple of gems. A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing". Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had been overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they popped into the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said...... From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' " Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 01-16-12 09:05am - 4724 days | #82 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!' Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 01-17-12 04:29pm - 4723 days | #83 | |
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JayUK (0)
Active User Posts: 9 Registered: May 30, '10 Location: Suffolk England |
A man leads a wicked life so upon his death he is cast down straight to hell. As soon as he arrives he is met at the gates of hell by the devil. "well sir it would appear you have been very evil throughout your life so you will be spending eternity with me, however I will be giving you a choice on how you wish to spend your time here". The man nods and proceeds into hell with the devil. Once inside the devil shows the man into the first of three rooms, of which he must choose one. Inside the first room are thousands of people stood on their heads on a concrete floor. "I don't like the look of that" says the man "can I see the second room please?" The devil then takes the man to the second room where upon entering he is greeted by the sight of thousands of people stood on their heads on a hardwood floor. "I am not sure I like the look of this room either" says the man. "May I see the final room please?" The devil takes the man to the final room as requested and takes the man in. When the man gets inside he can barely believe his eyes. Inside the room there are millions of people stood knee high in shit drinking coffee, the smell is horrific and almost unbearable. "There" says the devil "you have seen all three rooms and it is time to make your choice". "Well" says the man "of the three rooms the third one despite the smell looks the best option so I choose that one please". "Ok" says the devil and shows the man in locking the door behind him. Once inside the room the man is handed a cup of coffee and joins his fellow sinners. The man is just about to introduce himself to those around when a voice booms out from the back of the room. "ALRIGHT GUYS COFFEE BREAK OVER BACK ON YOUR HEADS" | |
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| 01-17-12 05:05pm - 4723 days | #84 | |
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JayUK (0)
Active User Posts: 9 Registered: May 30, '10 Location: Suffolk England |
When my girlfriend announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with the monkees I thought she was joking.................. and then I saw her face. The male lead of the local pantomime was analy raped live on stage last night.........in fairness the audience did try to warn him. Was at a party last night with my son and I was extremely drunk when my son made the mistake of falling asleep. Well I did what we all would, shaved his eyebrows and drew a massive cock on his forehead. The wife was fucking furious when she picked him up to breastfeed him. The police came to my door last night holding a picture of the wife. They said "is this your wife sir?" shocked I answered "yes". They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I know but she has a lovely personality" I was asked to leave my local swimming pool last week when some of the other swimmers complained about the large bulge in my speedos. "Why am I being asked to leave?" I enquired "There is a man over there wearing the exact same thing and you have not asked him to leave". "That's because he hasn't shit himself" they replied. | |
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| 01-18-12 09:03am - 4722 days | #85 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
Nice ones, Jay. Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 01-18-12 07:31pm - 4722 days | #86 | |
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JayUK (0)
Active User Posts: 9 Registered: May 30, '10 Location: Suffolk England |
I'm in trouble with the wife. Whilst lying in bed last night she asked what I would most like to do to her body? Apparently identify it wasn't an appropriate answer. | |
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| 01-20-12 06:26am - 4720 days | #87 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON! After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no! You're so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...... Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay. Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 01-29-12 02:27am - 4711 days | #88 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. 'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake? 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea! 'A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 01-29-12 05:47pm - 4711 days | #89 | |
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JayUK (0)
Active User Posts: 9 Registered: May 30, '10 Location: Suffolk England |
My girlfriend reckons that a small penis should not affect our sex life. She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one. | |
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| 02-24-12 01:28am - 4685 days | #90 | |
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Doctor Blues (0)
Active User  Posts: 6 Registered: Jun 10, '11 Location: Campbell CA |
OK here's mine, short and sweet. Two gay guys Herman and Bruce are walking along in San Francisco when they happen to see this chick who is so hot she outdoes any pornstar imaginable. In fact, she is so drop-dead gorgeous it stops Herman in his tracks; he starts to stare at her uncontrollably. Finally he turns to his friend and says: "You know, Bruce, it's days like this that make me wish I was born a lesbian". | |
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| 03-21-12 02:09pm - 4659 days | #91 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. ForestService. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 03-21-12 02:12pm - 4659 days | #92 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 04-05-12 03:51pm - 4644 days | #93 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
So, what's the difference between a girl's track team and a band of pygmies one is a cunning bunch of runts, the other is ....... unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 04-05-12 03:56pm - 4644 days | #94 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
The difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea One is a shucker with the fits unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 04-05-12 03:59pm - 4644 days | #95 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
the difference between a fart and sarcasm sarcasm is a shift of wit unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 06-26-12 03:15pm - 4562 days | #96 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
a local OB-GYN was doing rounds in the maternity ward when he encountered the village yenta "Did the Andersons have their baby yet?" she asked. "Oh...yes" he replied, "but the infant was born without a penis" " Oh my God " she said, "How horrible" "But she'll have a great place to put one in about 18 years" unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 07-08-12 12:26pm - 4550 days | #97 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
A vegetable farmer from Maine was visiting his cousin, a cattle rancher in Texas, who asked, "How big's yer spread?" "My farm?" he replied "Oh, about 6 acres, and your's?" "Well" says the Texan, "I can leave my house at six in the morning, and by six o'clock that night, I will not have reached the northern boundry of my property." "Ayup" says the cousin from Maine " I used to have a car like that." unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 07-23-12 09:15am - 4535 days | #98 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man, so, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit...... Third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this Story? ..... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance! OLD DUDES RULE Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-11-12 09:18am - 4455 days | #99 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As her husband walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the oppprtunity, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." Cap'n  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-11-12 11:01am - 4455 days | #100 | |
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Cybertoad (0)
Disabled User Posts: 2,158 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
What men would do if they had a vagina for a day? 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.  Since 2007 | |
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