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| Porn Users Forum » Italian Friends on the Bus |
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| 09-24-09 01:17pm - 5568 days | Original Post - #1 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User  Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
Italian Friends on the Bus OK, I know there isn't much in the way of jokes posted here but I just saw this one & thought it might appeal. A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives. 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.' Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 09-24-09 07:59pm - 5567 days | #2 | |
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badandy400 (0)
Active User  Posts: 869 Registered: Mar 02, '08 Location: ohio |
I like that! A joke thread or two would be a welcome thing in my book. So post away. "For example, badandy400 has taken it upon himself to become the one man Library of Congress for porn with a collection that surely will be in Guinness Book of World Records some day." ~Toadsith~ PU Interview | |
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| 09-24-09 11:16pm - 5567 days | #3 | |
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monty2222 (0)
Active User  Posts: 49 Registered: Feb 20, '09 Location: Denmark |
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" | |
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| 09-25-09 01:00am - 5567 days | #4 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
An older couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare." | |
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| 09-25-09 03:18am - 5567 days | #5 | |
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mbaya (0)
Suspended  Posts: 891 Registered: Jul 07, '08 Location: new jersey |
A man walked into the doctors office and pulled down his pants. The doctor said "I have never seen an orange penis before. It may be psychological. How is your love life?" The man replied "I hate that bitch. I just got divorced." The doctor then said "I see. How is work? Are you under a lot of stress there?" The man then said "I hated that job. The boss was such a jerk. I quit last week." The doctor was very curious "I guess it can't be psychological. But,how do you spend your days?" The man had a sheepish grin on his face. "I just sit around all day, watch porn and eat cheetos." | |
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| 09-25-09 03:53am - 5567 days | #6 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
Superman was flying over the city, scanning the buildings and streets with his Super Vision, looking for people who needed his help. Suddenly, he noticed that atop one of the buildings was Wonder Woman, completely naked, lying on her back and quivering with excitement. He swooped down, threw off his Superman suit, and proceeded to have his way. When he was finished, he said, "Thank you Wonder Woman! That was very satisfying!" Wonder Woman replied, "Oh, don't thank me Superman! Thank The Invisible Man!" I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 09-25-09 02:15pm - 5567 days | #7 | |
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exotics4me (0)
Active User  Posts: 664 Registered: Jan 12, '07 Location: USA |
I have a few minutes finally and will share a few of my favorites. "These 3 college guys had a blowout in the car. They walked for several miles before finding an old farm. They asked the old farmer sitting on the porch if he had an extra room they could sleep in since they couldn't get their car fixed until the next morning. The farmer pointed at the barn and said, "You can sleep in there". He warned them though, his 18 year old virgin daughter also slept in the barn. They better not lay a hand on her. The three guys walk in the barn and there she was. Long blonde hair, pretty blue eyes, 36-24-36, face like a model. Well, the guys didn't know the farmer had been worried about men taking advantage of his innocent daughter so he had a razor blade put between her legs. The next morning, the farmer comes out and tells the first guy to drop his pants. He drops his pants and has razor blade cuts all over his penis. Farmer pulls out a shotgun and shoots him dead right there. The next guy drops his pants, same thing, razor blade cuts all over his penis and the farmer shoots him dead. The third and last guy drops his pants, no razor blade cuts on his penis. The farmer shakes his hand and says, "Now tell me, you fine upstanding young man, would you like to marry my daughter one day?" The guy started to talk and his tongue fell out." And possibly my most favorite joke ever. "This man was recently divorced and went to a singles bar. He sees this beautiful woman and sits down beside of her. He says, "Damn, you sure smell good, what do you have on?" She smiles and says, "Chanel #5". They kept talking, she was the total package, intelligent, funny and the guy since he had been married really didn't know any other compliments, so he mentioned her perfume again. Well, the woman, she was horny herself and figured at least he's clean and seems to be trying to impress her. She leans over to him and tells him she wanted him to come to her house and spend the night, she, not used to complimenting men said, "Oh and you sure smell good too, what do you have on?" The man not used to ever being complimented said, "Oh, I have a "hard on" but I don't think you can smell it" My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich. - Chuck Palahniuk | |
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| 09-25-09 03:01pm - 5567 days | #8 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
A couple of hayseeds, Dwayne and Billy Raye, lived in a small town in the midwest. One day, Dwayne came up to Billy Raye and said, "Billy Raye, let's go out to Bob's fillin' station and get a tank 'o gas!" Bob's Conoco was a little dump of a gas station/minimart on the main state road heading out of town. "What fer?" asked Billy Raye. "'Cause they got 'em a contest right now. Ya git a tank 'o gas and if ya win, ya git free sex!" So off they went. They filled Dwyane's tank, and went in to pay. Dwayne asked Bob, "Now does this here gas station have a contest goin' on?" "Sure does." "And if you win, ya git free sex? "S'right. Pick a number between one and ten." "Okay." Dwayne thought for a moment, and then blurted out, "Five!" "Nope. Sorry, it was seven." Feeling a bit dejected, the two men went home. But a week later, they were back. They topped off Billy Raye's tank, and as they went inside to pay, Billy Raye said, "Now Dwayne, you let me do the guessin' this time. I'm feelin' really lucky today." "OK, Billy Raye. You go ahead 'n do yer darndest." Billy Raye inquired as to whether or not the contest was still going on. Bob said that it sure was. "Now pick a number between one and ten." Pausing, Billy Raye looked up, closed his eyes, and then said, "EIGHT!" "Not even close. I'm afraid it was two this time." The two walked out with the heads hanging down. Billy Raye said, "Y'know, Dwayne, I'm startin' to think that maybe this contest is rigged." "No sir, it ain't." "Now how come yer so sure, Dwayne?" "Well, my wife won three times last week." I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 09-25-09 05:09pm - 5566 days | #9 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
Baby Chick: Am I a people? Mother Chicken: No, you're a chicken. Baby Chick: Do chickens come from people? Mother Chicken: No, chickens come from eggs. Baby Chick: Do people come from eggs? Mother Chicken: No, people are born. Baby Chick: Are eggs born? Mother Chicken: No, eggs are laid. Baby Chick: Are people laid? Mother Chicken: Some are. Some are chicken. Baby Chick: (?) I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 09-25-09 11:45pm - 5566 days | #10 | |
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GCode (0)
Active User  Posts: 386 Registered: Feb 23, '09 Location: USA |
3 guys are in a desert searching despertely for water and they stumble upon a house. They go up to the door and knock, almost completely drained of any water in their system. The door gets answered by the absolute worst hag that anyone could ever possibly dream of. But, desperation for water comes in to play and they ask for some. She replies that she will give each of them a bucket of water if they have sex with her and make her cum. The three look at each other and shudder. Turning back a few feet, they discuss what to do. After a long talk, one man decides he will take one for the team and goes in to the house to do the deed. They enter the kitchen and the woman undresses. Completely distraught and having a hard time looking at the woman, he asks her to turn around and bend over the kitchen table. He then proceeds to look around and finds some corn on the cob on the counter. He quickly grabs it and starts working her pussy with it. She obviously has never been with a 'man' and quickly cums, thinking it is him. After the sensation, the nasty hag wants to look at him. Surprised and desperate to not get caught, he throws the corn on the cob out the window. She says, "I told you I'll give you a bucket each time you make me cum". Realizing this and wanting to save his friends, he tells her to bend over again. He proceeds to screw her and make her cum two more times with a corn on the cob, but quickly throws them each out the window before being caught. He gets the three buckets of water and is highly pleased that he did not actually have to screw this most heinous and disgusting hag. He goes outside and finds his dying buddies to present them each with a bucket of water. To his surprise, they looked a lot healthier. He then tells them, "I have a bucket of water for each of you". They respond, "That's great, we saved a piece of corn on the cob for you and look, it's already buttered up and ready to eat!". Sexted From My iPad | |
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| 09-26-09 01:52am - 5566 days | #11 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
That was funny! I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 09-26-09 09:46pm - 5565 days | #12 | |
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GCode (0)
Active User Posts: 386 Registered: Feb 23, '09 Location: USA |
I just heard that one from my buddy at the bar a few days ago and it had the whole table laughing. Wish I had a few more that were as good as that, but I'm glad you enjoyed the laugh :) Sexted From My iPad | |
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| 09-29-09 08:44am - 5563 days | #13 | |
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monty2222 (0)
Active User Posts: 49 Registered: Feb 20, '09 Location: Denmark |
A bear and a rabbit, who were friends, happen upon a genie which will give each of them 3 wishes. The bear wishes that all the remaining bears on earth were females. The rabbit wishes for a scooter. For the second wish, the bear wishes that the females were burning hot and the rabbit wishes for a helmet to compliment his new scooter. Lastly, the bear wishes that all the females would find him irresistible. Then the rabbit starts laughing his butt off and the bear turns angrily to him. "What are you laughing at?" Tears rolling off his face, the rabbit pounds his fist into the ground and says, "I wish you were gay!" Edited on Sep 29, 2009, 08:49am | |
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| 09-29-09 04:08pm - 5563 days | #14 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
What do you get when you cross a computer with a princess? A system that never goes down. I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 10-01-09 07:52am - 5561 days | #15 | |
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Khan (0)
Suspended  Posts: 1,737 Registered: Jan 05, '07 Location: USA |
A farmers wife hires a well known animal physic to communicate with her livestock and see how she can improve their farm. The physic arrives and starts to tour the farm with the farmer and his wife. At the cow pasture the cows "tell" the physic that they're happy the farmer lets them see the sunset from the pasture before bringing out the evenings' feed. As long as he keeps that schedule, they'll produce good milk. At the chicken pen, the chickens tell the physic that when the farmer doesn't clean the pen for a few days, they don't lay as many eggs. Upon hearing this the farmer's wife cast an accusing look at her husband. When they arrive at the sheep pen and the physic bends to listen to what the sheep have to say, the farmer butts in loudly ... "I can tell you right now ... SHEEP LIE!" Former PornUsers Senior Administrator Now at: MyPorn.com "To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences."-John Henry Patterson | |
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| 10-01-09 09:35am - 5561 days | #16 | |
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ControllingMind (0)
Suspended  Posts: 52 Registered: Jan 29, '09 Location: Inside An Unseen Force |
Q: Why did God invent yeast infections? A: So that women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt! --- Q) How do you confuse a blonde? A)put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner. Q)How does a blonde Confuse you? A)she comes out and tells you she did it. --- Whats white, sticky and moves across the sky at a thousand miles an hour? The coming of the Lord --- Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what's the difference. Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up. --- A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus". | |
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| 10-05-09 09:50am - 5557 days | #17 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A hyped hippy loses his stash & asks his Grandad. 'Hey Grandad, have you seen my LSD Tabs?' 'To Hell with that, there's a Dragon in the Kitchen!' Cap'n. :0) Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-07-09 02:57pm - 5555 days | #18 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that is the final straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more wintering in the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes S class in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier." Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-20-09 09:48am - 5542 days | #19 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?' Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-20-09 01:22pm - 5542 days | #20 | |
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RagingBuddhist (0)
Disabled User  Posts: 893 Registered: Jan 23, '07 |
A farmer and his daughter were riding down the road in their horse and buggy, when some robbers sprang up out of the bushes and stopped them at gunpoint and robbed them of everything they could - even took their horse and buggy. So, while walking down the road to the farm, the farmer notices that his daughter is putting on some jewelry and he asks her, "Mary-lou, I thought the robbers done took ever'thing we had. How'd you manage to keep them there bracelets and earrings?" Mary lou said, "Well, Paw, when I saw the robbers a'comin' I took and put ma jewelery in my vergina real quick and they didn't check me there, so I still got 'em". The farmer scratched his head for a minute and said, "Damn - I wish yer maw was here - we could'a saved the horse and buggy, too". Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupidity. | |
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| 11-03-09 10:36am - 5528 days | #21 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.' Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 02-08-10 02:29pm - 5431 days | #22 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A burglar broke into a house and shone his flashlight around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: 'Jesus is watching you..' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' Moses,' replied the bird. Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' "The same kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." Cap'n. :0) Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 02-08-10 06:45pm - 5430 days | #23 | |
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pat362 (0)
Active User  Posts: 3,575 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
A lawyers joke: A guy is waiting in line at the movie theater and the line is not moving. There is anothe rguy standing in front of him. The guys tarts to massage the shoulder of the guy in front of him. All of a sudden the other guy turns around and ask what the guy thinks he's doing. The guy says: You see I'm a masseuse and whenever I have some free time I like to practice my trade. The guy replys: I'm a lawyer do you see me fucking the guy ahead of me? Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 02-09-10 12:49pm - 5430 days | #24 | |
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WeeWillyWinky (0)
Active User  Posts: 243 Registered: Jun 03, '07 Location: Havasu City, AZ USA |
A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down. He spies a farm house in the distance and walks across the field, knocks on the door. The door opens and there stand a priest, a rabbi, and a Tibetan monk. The man says, "Oh, sorry. I'm in the wrong joke." **recited from memory, probably bungled it. You know what I hate the most about selfish people? It's that they don't think enough about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! | |
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| 02-16-10 09:27am - 5423 days | #25 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
An Irish truckie walks into an outback cafe' in Basildon with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be £3.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £10.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.. 'Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' Cap'n. :0) Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 02-17-10 08:00am - 5422 days | #26 | |
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Denner (0)
Active User  Posts: 1,217 Registered: Mar 03, '07 Location: Denmark |
Ok, my english is not that terrific, but still this one I hard from an american at a Berlin bar years ago: In a small town in the Midwest, USA the council wanted to decorate the new town hall - inside. They got this big wall and wanted to a large painting on it. They contacted a local 'artist' - and the mayor said: 'Look, the painting on this wall has to be related to the last thoughts that came to mind of the great General Custer just before he died at the battle at Little Big Horn - can you do that?' The artist went to work and after two months the painting was finished. At the day of the disclosure the whole town attended - and the town-band was playing the fanfare. Inside the town hall the big wall was covered and the mayor went up to pull down the curtain...new fanfare. When the wall was revealed, the town hall went silent, the music stopped. In the upper corner of the painting was a steaming dogshit with a shining halo on top - and the rest of the painting was a mountain landscape where hundreds of indians made love in countless positions... The mayors face was red, when he turned to the artist: 'My God, what have you done - what is this?' The artist took a drag of his joint and said: 'Man, you wanted the last thoughts of Custer - and it was, of course: 'Holy shit, what a lot of fucking indians'. "I don't drink anymore - I freeze it, and eat it like a popcicle" Edited on Feb 17, 2010, 08:08am | |
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| 02-17-10 09:18am - 5422 days | #27 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
:0D It works! ;0) Cap'n. :0) Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 04-07-10 11:07am - 5373 days | #28 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.' HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT' TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK' 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!' SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................ HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?' SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.' HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?' SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 04-10-10 12:35pm - 5370 days | #29 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
Zeke is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 911. Zeke says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" CLICK,BANG Zeke "OK, done that, what next?" Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 04-14-10 12:52pm - 5366 days | #30 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
New elderly care programme for the UK The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand. Join the new free care plan today. If you are 65 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England ), one MSP, one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without. As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison. There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need! New teeth needed? No problem. New glasses? They'll be provided. New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart?* They're all covered too. And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care. And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore. Britain . A GREAT country or what? *Restrictions may apply. If you get terminal prostate cancer, you may be released and flown to a far off, sunny country, where you can live a bit longer with your friends and family. This is known as the Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi clause. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 05-19-10 02:38am - 5331 days | #31 | |
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Drooler (0)
Disabled User Posts: 1,831 Registered: Mar 11, '07 Location: USA |
What do walruses and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal. I wanted something new, so I left England for New England. | |
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| 05-20-10 09:12am - 5330 days | #32 | |
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gothbn (0)
Suspended  Posts: 1 Registered: May 20, '10 Location: USA |
Some funny stuff! ~Micheal hottiebynature, speakingadult.com, hbncams, hbnstore | |
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| 07-26-10 12:06pm - 5263 days | #33 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good. The best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy,... your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says..................... 'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.' . ..  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 07-29-10 01:25pm - 5260 days | #34 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet." | |
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| 07-29-10 02:17pm - 5260 days | #35 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
Somewhere in Alabama: Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around woman: Man: "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show dem liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" Woman: "Right, Daddy" | |
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| 07-29-10 02:28pm - 5260 days | #36 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off of the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says, with admiration. "Thanks," the little girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren. | |
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| 07-31-10 07:14am - 5258 days | #37 | |
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mistresskent (0)
Active Webmaster  Posts: 188 Registered: Feb 02, '09 Location: Kent, UK |
Husband and wife.. Wife standing in front of the mirror and says to her husband: "honey, I feel so ugly, fat and useless, please pay me a compliment" Husband says: "Aww honey.. at least your eye sight is spot on" Mistress Kent xx http://www.mistresskent.com http://www.mistresskent.co.uk | |
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| 08-01-10 10:01am - 5257 days | #38 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A very foolhardy statement there. He obviously hasn't grasped the concept that from the male perspective any long term relationship is primarily a damage limitation excercise.  Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 08-01-10 10:27am - 5257 days | #39 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're gone.' Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 08-02-10 07:29am - 5256 days | #40 | |
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Khan (0)
Suspended Posts: 1,737 Registered: Jan 05, '07 Location: USA |
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it ... Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads." Former PornUsers Senior Administrator Now at: MyPorn.com "To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences."-John Henry Patterson | |
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| 08-06-10 05:59pm - 5251 days | #41 | |
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mistresskent (0)
Active Webmaster Posts: 188 Registered: Feb 02, '09 Location: Kent, UK |
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and Anal Sex? One will make your day One will make your hole weak. Mistress Kent xx http://www.mistresskent.com http://www.mistresskent.co.uk | |
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| 08-17-10 11:10am - 5241 days | #42 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. " This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end , , , He can't get enough of me" The mother-in-law left . . . When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked "This is my love dress." she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? He never heard the gunshot. Funeral is Friday, closed casket. Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 08-20-10 05:56am - 5238 days | #43 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A doctor, a lawyer and a biker were having a drink and discussing what each had bought their wives for their birthdays this year. The doctor said "I bought my wife a new Mercedes 500SL coupe and a 2 week holidays in the Bahamas, just incase she wasn't completely satisfied with the Mercedes she could relax in a tropical resort." The lawyer said I bought my wife a $30,000 diamond necklace and a sking holiday in Austria so if she wasn't totally happy with the necklace she could unwind on the ski slopes of europe. The biker said I bought my wife a T shirt and a vibrator just incase she wasn't completely happy with the T Shirt she could go and F%$k herself. Cap'n.  Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 08-27-10 12:14am - 5231 days | #44 | |
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Toadsith (0)
Active User  Posts: 936 Registered: Dec 07, '07 Location: USA |
Three teenage girls are waiting in line for confession at their church, each dreading the scolding and penance they are to receive from the Priest waiting in the booth. The girl steps into the booth and says: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Yesterday after a party I gave a hand job to my boyfriend billy." The priest shook his head and said: "That is a grave sin, my dear, but say fifty Hail Mary's and wash your hands in the Holy Water and you will be forgiven." The girl thanks the priest, steps out of the booth and promptly begins washing her hands in the Holy Water. Upon seeing this the third girl asks the second girl if she can go confess before her. The second girl inquires as the reason for this request to which the third girl replies: "I want to get forgiven for my sins, but I'm certainly not going to drink that water after you've sat in it." "I'm not a number, I'm a free man!" Second Grand Order Poobah in the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo | |
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| 09-24-10 07:08am - 5203 days | #45 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
A bloke walks into a Clock Repair shop and plops out his cock onto the counter. The pretty sales lady is quite taken aback. 'Excuse me, Sir! I don't know where you think you are, but this is a Clock Repair Shop!' The bloke looks her in the eye & says. 'Well....Put two hands and a face on it then!' Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 09-24-10 08:40am - 5203 days | #46 | |
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lk2fireone (0)
Active User Posts: 3,618 Registered: Nov 14, '08 Location: CA |
British humor can be different. Lol. | |
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| 10-13-10 09:03am - 5184 days | #47 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - silence - - HUSBAND: F*ck.... Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-03-11 09:23am - 4829 days | #48 | |
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Capn (0)
Active User Posts: 1,740 Registered: Sep 05, '09 Location: Near the Beer! |
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..... ' This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU AwardHilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award ( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/ Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder! | |
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| 10-04-11 10:41am - 4828 days | #49 | |
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otoh (0)
Active User Posts: 159 Registered: Sep 17, '10 Location: UK |
OK, here's my contribution... A man is having an affair with his secretary. One day, the pair of them leave work early, go back to her place, make love all afternoon, then fall asleep exhausted. He wakes up, looks at the time and panics, saying to her "It's 8 already! I'm late, my wife is bound to get suspicious." As he rushes to get dressed, he hands his shoes to her and says "Quick, sweetheart - go outside and rub these in the grass and mud", answering her quizzical look with a "no time to explain". Upon arriving home, his wife is, as expected, highly suspicous. "I made dinner ages ago; you didn't call, where have you been?" "I cannot lie to you" he starts; "I've been having an affair with my secretary; today we left work early, went back to her place, made love all afternoon, then fell asleep exhausted". His wife casts her critical eye up and down over him, then lingers on his shoes. "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf." | |
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| 10-08-11 03:33am - 4824 days | #50 | |
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Micha (0)
Active User Posts: 321 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
The old guy was becoming infirm and was unable to care for himself. His kids discussed his going to an old folks home and did a little research of some local facilities. They then discussed it with the old boy and it was decided they would take him to one of the places to see if he liked it. They dropped him off and he went to the rec room to get a feel for the place. He sat in an upholstered chair and visited with some of the residents. At one point he began to tip over to one side and an attendant quickly grabbed and steadied him, wedging a pillow at his side for support. After a short time he began to drift to the other side, and again, the attendant steadied him and placed another pillow at his side for support. Later that afternoon, his kids returned to check on their dad. "How'd you like the place Pop?" "Well" he replied, "The people here are real nice, and the food's pretty good, but you know...... they don't let you fart here" unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. Edited on Oct 08, 2011, 03:38am | |
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